food bandits

why is it that when some people come to work, they check their manners at the reception desk?

I've been robbed! someone had the balls to steal my lunch right out of the community fridge in the lunch room. WTF?!?!? I look around and everyone in the office seems like they're on the up-and-up. but there's a Food Bandit among us. maybe an entire troop of bandits!

it's not like my lunch was anything especially yummy. it was actually quite unremarkable: a frozen pasta thing from trader joes. I placed it in a plastic target bag (I know, I'm totally unfabulous like that), along with a banana and a yogurt. tied the bag handles together. and placed the bag in the fridge, so come lunch time, my frozen entree would be somewhat defrosted, which means shorter cooking time. now this is key, cuz when lunch hour rolls around, there's a line for the microwave. and if you're gonna hog the m.wave for anything more than 5 minutes, you'll get the eye rolling and exasperated sighs...hungry people are mean people!

here's my theory: someone took it out of my plastic target bag (leaving me nothing but my banana and yogurt for lunch) and quickly went to a lunchroom on another floor to zap and inhale my food. no one on the other floors would be wised up to the fact that it was stollen. food bandit would be eating my lunch like it was no big deal. the bastard!

I wonder if the Lunch Food Bandit is the same person as the Snack Bandit? nah, that would be too obvious, wouldn't it? you know the Snack Bandit, right? this is the person that comes around, making casual chit-chat to those who have candy bowls, bags of microwave popcorn, and other snack nibblies on their desk. and you know the chit-chat is just a ruse for the Snack Bandit to help self to your snacks. like it's okay to take your snacks if it's done right under your nose.

then among the Snack Bandits, there are special categories of them. there's the Double-Dipper Snack Bandit. there's this one D-D.S.B. that helped self to a platter of sliced apples with caramel dip. I couldn't believe it, except I saw it with my own 2 eyes: D-D.S.B. reached for an apple wedge, dipped it in caramel, took a bite, then dipped it again....on the bitten side of the apple. it was wrong on so many levels and needless to say, I didn't have anymore after that.

then there's the Hand-Grabbers Snack Bandit. these are the ones that reach into the bag of chips, bowl of m&m's, tub of red vines, overlooking the scoops, cups and tongs provided to serve yourself. one time, my cube neighbor and I were sharing a bag of microwave popcorn. we were using paper coffee filters as little bowls. then here comes a H-G.S.B. we offered some popcorn and told him to help himself...even gave him his own paper coffee filter so he can pour some popcorn for himself. and what did he do? he reached into the bag of popcorn and started feeding himself like he was at the movies, chomping away. then after a few minutes and feeding himself handfulls of popcorn, he scurries away leaving us with half a bag of popcorn that we immediately threw away.

so all you Food Bandits out there -- you know who you are -- I hope the next time you take someone else's lunch and snack nibblies, it gives you a bad case of gas, 'rhea, and other gastronomical discomforts!