food bandits

why is it that when some people come to work, they check their manners at the reception desk?

I've been robbed! someone had the balls to steal my lunch right out of the community fridge in the lunch room. WTF?!?!? I look around and everyone in the office seems like they're on the up-and-up. but there's a Food Bandit among us. maybe an entire troop of bandits!

it's not like my lunch was anything especially yummy. it was actually quite unremarkable: a frozen pasta thing from trader joes. I placed it in a plastic target bag (I know, I'm totally unfabulous like that), along with a banana and a yogurt. tied the bag handles together. and placed the bag in the fridge, so come lunch time, my frozen entree would be somewhat defrosted, which means shorter cooking time. now this is key, cuz when lunch hour rolls around, there's a line for the microwave. and if you're gonna hog the m.wave for anything more than 5 minutes, you'll get the eye rolling and exasperated sighs...hungry people are mean people!

here's my theory: someone took it out of my plastic target bag (leaving me nothing but my banana and yogurt for lunch) and quickly went to a lunchroom on another floor to zap and inhale my food. no one on the other floors would be wised up to the fact that it was stollen. food bandit would be eating my lunch like it was no big deal. the bastard!

I wonder if the Lunch Food Bandit is the same person as the Snack Bandit? nah, that would be too obvious, wouldn't it? you know the Snack Bandit, right? this is the person that comes around, making casual chit-chat to those who have candy bowls, bags of microwave popcorn, and other snack nibblies on their desk. and you know the chit-chat is just a ruse for the Snack Bandit to help self to your snacks. like it's okay to take your snacks if it's done right under your nose.

then among the Snack Bandits, there are special categories of them. there's the Double-Dipper Snack Bandit. there's this one D-D.S.B. that helped self to a platter of sliced apples with caramel dip. I couldn't believe it, except I saw it with my own 2 eyes: D-D.S.B. reached for an apple wedge, dipped it in caramel, took a bite, then dipped it again....on the bitten side of the apple. it was wrong on so many levels and needless to say, I didn't have anymore after that.

then there's the Hand-Grabbers Snack Bandit. these are the ones that reach into the bag of chips, bowl of m&m's, tub of red vines, overlooking the scoops, cups and tongs provided to serve yourself. one time, my cube neighbor and I were sharing a bag of microwave popcorn. we were using paper coffee filters as little bowls. then here comes a H-G.S.B. we offered some popcorn and told him to help himself...even gave him his own paper coffee filter so he can pour some popcorn for himself. and what did he do? he reached into the bag of popcorn and started feeding himself like he was at the movies, chomping away. then after a few minutes and feeding himself handfulls of popcorn, he scurries away leaving us with half a bag of popcorn that we immediately threw away.

so all you Food Bandits out there -- you know who you are -- I hope the next time you take someone else's lunch and snack nibblies, it gives you a bad case of gas, 'rhea, and other gastronomical discomforts!

The Dismount

one day at work, while minding my own business in the bathroom stall doing my own business, I noticed a shadow on the floor in the other stall in front of me. odd...I see shadow but no feet! seriously! now, I'm kind of freaking out at this point. WTF? is there a predator waiting to pounce? is there a poltergeist? all I knew was that I needed to wrap things up and get outta there...and fast! and so I did.

several days later, while chatting in the cube farm, I make mention of the phantom in the bathroom. my cube neighbors were in disbelief, "let me get this straight....you saw shadow, but no feet?!?!" I'm sure they were starting to think I was loopy. then as if on queue, another cube mate, "Bouncy", came along, caught the gist of the cube chatter and confirmed the situation: on a separate occasion, she had experienced the same phenomenon! (thank goodness, I wasn't losing my mind!) predator. poltergeist. phantom. call it what you will. all we know is that we saw shadow in the stall, no feet!

until one day.....

Bouncy was in the bathroom, and it happened again. phantom shadow in the next stall, no feet. and then all of a sudden, feet! instantaneously! In a blink, 2 feet hopped down into view at the same time. not one, then the other. both feet at the same time landed on the ground simultaneously. and if that weren't weird enough, the feet landed, toes pointed towards the toilet, not away from it. think about it for a second. toes always point away from the toilet. right?!?

Bouncy and I went to the very stall that the phantom seems to favor and scoped out the scene. why and how on earth do your feet land on the ground facing the toilet? the only thing we can surmise is that Phantom Shadow No Feet didn't want to take a seat for some reason. (I know, it's insane. it's not like this is the bathroom at a dirty, banged-up gas station. this is the women's restroom in a relatively fabulous office. oh, and I use the word "fabulous" loosely here, just to make my point.)

convinced that we're on to something, we do a re-enactment. Bouncy faces the toilet and proceeds to mount the toilet seat and plants her feet on the seat, in a squatting-like position. in order to stay on, she has to grab on to the pipeworks behind the toilet, where the flusher is. I go to the other stall to see if I see Bouncy's shadow, no feet. confirmed! I'll be damned! if Phantom Shadow No Feet didn't want to sit on the seat, why not just plant your feet on the ground and hover?

now we were determined to get to the bottom of this: who is Phantom Shadow No Feet and why does she hover with her feet on seat? the only clue we had was that P.S.N.F. was wearing white pumps when Bouncy saw The Dismount. good thing it wasn't the 80's when white pumps were "in." though we only had 1 clue, it was the equivalent of the "smoking gun." no one really wears white pumps like those. they weren't cute Jimmy Choos or anything fabulous like that. these were pasty white, minnie-mouse-looking pumps.

floor by floor, cube by cube, Bouncy and I nonchalantly walk around the office, in search of the white pumps. and then at last! we found her. white-pump-wearing Phantom Shadow No Feet. OMG! It was so funny. Bouncy and I just died laughing. PSNF was none other than this sweet-looking, short, petite lady in accounting! who would've thunk it! she's no predator, phantom, or poltergeist.

mystery solved! Phantom Shadow No Feet was just too short to hover with her feet on the ground. we'll still never know why she wouldn't just take a seat. that's what the seat liners are for. use 2, 3 or 4 at a time...they're free. who knows why, but one thing's for sure: with her elevated hovering position, you definitely don't want to use the stall after her...there's gotta be some splash. I'll never know, and I'm definitely not gonna find out!

meeting madness

picture this....

a 4-hour meeting scheduled from 11a-3p. that alone will stop you in your tracks. you'd think we're trying to solve global warming or something meaningful and important like that. but, no, the duration of the meeting is not what set us off. get this -- the meeting notice specifically said to "prepare to either bring or buy your own lunch". oh, and p.s. there's no mention of if (or when) there will be a lunch break.

WTF?!!? it's a conundrum of the worse kind!

the meeting notice caused quite a stir among my cube farm neighbors. even after finding out we'd be granted a whopping 30 minutes to make a run for it (OOPS, I mean, to get our lunches). the banter covered a range of anxiety-ridden chatter (some of it, just in my own head)...

• why would anyone schedule a lunch that goes through lunch hour and not provide lunch? isn't that just one of those unspoken rules of engagement in corporate america?! you schedule a meeting that goes through lunch; you buy lunch for the meeting.


• not only that, the meeting is gonna be so long...you can't not eat and think you'll just have a late lunch. unless by "late lunch" you mean "early dinner" at 3p.
  
• wait -- 3p....is that when happy hour starts? just wondering.


• who are we kidding! the meeting's probably going to run over. come on! did you see that agenda?!? a full-day's worth of topics, crammed into 4 hours! aargh!


• are we suppose to fetch our food and scurry back to the conference room and all eat together while attempting to "work through lunch"? what are YOU gonna do for lunch? bring or buy?
  
• how is 30 minutes enough time to go out for food? if the meeting's at 11am, then let's see... we'd have to leave at 10 to get lunch. but wait, it'll get cold by the time lunch rolls around. hey, what's open for lunch at 10 anyway?!?!
  
• if I bring my lunch, who knows if I'll even have time to wait in line for the microwave, heat my food and eat
  
• etc, etc, etc....you get the drift

well, long story short, here's what went down:

• meeting started late by about 10 minutes. pretty typical around here, so no surprises, no demerits.


• meeting ran a bit over, just by about 5 minutes (not bad). no time left at the end for discussion or Q&A (not good).


• did have lunch thanks to a gracious cube farm neighbor, The Professor, who kindly picked up some yummy vietnamese sandwiches on the way in to the office in the morning. (p.s. the secret to non-soggy sandwiches...have the moist fixin's -- peppers, carrots, onions, cilantro, etc -- provided separately in a bag to add to sandwich just before eating)

so, productivity and overall effectiveness rating for the meeting: 5 out of 10. let's face it. 4 hours is a really long time to do any one thing at work, especially when it means being sequestered in a conference room that's too small for the number of attendees. bottom line: no matter how interesting the topics of discussion are, inevitably, people's minds wander.

mine did!